Frozen seafood is among the greatest failures of Trader Joe’s. Not uniquely to TJ’s, the ocean’s citizens seem to mock our attempts to make them readily available, easy, and tasty by making the freezer more of a compromise than any other food. Can I tell the difference between a frozen and then well de-thawed chicken breast or steak? Perhaps, but nowhere to the extent that no preparation could hide the unique texture of once frozen salmon for me. It’s as, if in punishment for plucking them from their watery depths, the fish and shrimp and lobsters and squid and whatever else of seas use their dying breath to curse us to a laborious and time-sensitive preparation. Man’s hubris is his Titanic and Davy Jones’s Locker adds a shelf.
Which is why it was my surprise to find that TJ’s Crispy Battered Calamari was the pearl of the girl’s necklace of the frozen seafood aisle – leaning into the compromises of a chewy meat for a street food-y, snack-like, and charming taste.
Taste – 6/7
Calamari is tough. Not only to get right, but to tongue. While it can be done tender, with skill and prep, it has come to be known for it’s tougher, chewier texture that works the jaw. This, crucially, is an undesirable trait in most other meats, and especially seafood, as anyone who’s nearly chipped a tooth on overcooked chicken breast will attest. CRC takes advantage of this weakness to fashion a fried delight with a pleasant resistance atop a rewarding burst of flavor.
The calamari itself presents with an imperceptibly sweet tinge among a concentrated burst of moisture. This dissipates into a localized mixture of salt and umami, and just a little bit of that fishy flavor. Surrounding the ring shaped core lies a loose battered and fried outer layer. The comfortable light brown shade envelops the cephalopod inside, adding a further hint of sweetness and salt, all the while creating a contrast of textures. The thin single layer of the batter provides but momentary resistance before the teeth meet the tougher calamari. The relatively quick dissipation of the batter gives it a split second ‘priming effect’, pre-loading into our taste’s memory a hint of the stronger, saltier flavor to come.
The batter is also intended to add a crunch, the universal satisfying texture, before the squishy and chewable core but it falls short in this regard. While the small pockets of crunch were welcome, they provided still unremarkable resistance, falling apart in a less than satisfying way. Attempts to increase doneness to maximize crunch were met with burnt segments well before significant toughening. Here they fall short of the “Crispy” proclaimed in the title, but I concede the fault is a minor one. I am also not above admitting this could be a fault of my own preparation.
The last surprise is the masterful use of a light pepper coating on the batter. An easy to miss addition, the mellow flavor of the black pepper glides in as a precursor to the tastes and textures yet to come. As the barest semblance of spice, it primes the tongue and sharpens the wit in preparation of the main event.
Convenience – 5/7
Requiring but a simple baking tray, the preparation is quick and efficient. The prep time and crunchiness can be both be improved through the use of an air fryer (400° F for 10 minutes). In my experience, flipping halfway through did not have a noticeable impact on the final product, and can be safely avoided to save precious seconds more. Size uniformity is subpar, with pieces varying from mere crumbs to semicircles to large rings, creating the opportunity for uneven cooking and burning across the size gradient. As a glass half full person, I will choose to instead enjoy the range of textures, crispiness, and shapes this inequality enables.
Nutrition – 3/7
10 pieces, a thoroughly satisfying amount to me, clocks in at 240 calories and a respectable 10 grams of protein. Although it falls behind my ideal metric of 20 grams of protein per 500 calories, I will give leniency to the dish as it, in my mind, is targeted as a snack rather than a full meal itself. Now, is it fair to hold snacks, a dietary death knell to many americans, to lower standards than the meals they complement for or substitute? Will many of you not go out, and simply have an entire package of these as your brunchinner meal of the day? Perhaps. But my naivety will forge on, and I’ll blindly assume this will be eaten in the amounts, frequency, and manner that my intuition has labeled it deserves and judge off my gut. This is, after all, a food blog.
The sodium at 400 mg is high. On any absolute scale, scaling up serving sizes to reflect a full day’s consumption would result in a dastardly 3300 mg of sodium – topping the USDA’s recommended allowance of 2300 mg by quadruple digits. We won’t even speak of the fate of the poor AHA’s 1500 mg recommendation. But. And hear me out – as a snack, eaten in moderation, it is not an unreasonable amount. And compared to many other Trader Joe’s products, the sodium is somehow still relatively low. A damning statement on the realities of the processed food industry, for sure, but a slight saving grace to a finger food I can’t help but love.
Fiber? None to speak of. Cholesterol – one hundred and forty. I typed it out because I didn’t believe it the first time I read it. That’s 47% of the USDA allowance. Ridiculous and indefensible. But have I mentioned it tastes good? This section is overrated anyways.
Verdict – 14/21
/ Oh calamari /
/ You clog up my artery /
/ Yet still I want more /
Fun fact, I won second and third place in a haiku competition in university. Is it a saving grace that my talent was recognized to not deserve first? Or a damnation on the institution for handing out prizes so willy-nilly that even my work could be recognized? Speaking of recogniton, I want to acknowledge the CBC for what it is – a crowd pleaser. It fulfills a base craving for something fried and unhealthy, while offering a rich variations of tastes and textures, engaging what I like to call the “mind-jaw connection”.
Verdict? Buy it. Savor it.